The Dachshund (and the Setter Bitch). I don't often write ballads, but here's one, written purely as an means to use the over used word "bitch" in a song apart from obscenity. Also, as a kid, I listened a lot to Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water" album, and loved "The Boxer." Somehow, though, I thought the title referred to a breed of dog and not a pugilist. I have no idea why. But calling a song "The Dachshund" reminds me of that and amuses me.
Otherwise, it's a very Jethro Tull-like song, with the chorded riff and rustic settings, very Songs from the Wood, which of course I love. Tull is obviously a huge influence for me.
All in a all it's an Uncle Remus kind of tale, where a wily country critter pulls one over on the ignorant city slickers. On the other hand, it's also rather ugly, with overtones of antebellum exploitation: pet ownership as the new slavery?
And what would a setter/dachshund mix actually look like...?
lyrics
The Dachshund
(vonHummer)
A fine, virgin bitch/In heat, from the city/Setter pedigree/Went with her mistress and master to pasture/For her first chance to breed/With other setter seed...
Fine farmhouse with barn,/Bitch tied up inside it/Owners off haggling price/When who should drag by but the wily old Dachshund/From some farm down the way/He sniffed to say "Good day,/My dear virgin bitch! In heat, yes?/Your very first time?/Lucky you met me!/I'd be willing to mount you quick/Just for practice,/That you know properly/How to receive the seed..."
"I thank you, kind sir,"/Said the Bitch/"But no, thank you/You'd put me in a family way."/"Dear child, can't you see/I'm a dachshund, not canine/See these stubby legs?/We're lizard-like, we lay eggs."/The Bitch said, "Okay,"/And he climbed on behind her/Pas de deux in a strange ballet/And it was not enormous pleasure she felt/Then again, she couldn't complain/Neither was it great pain...
With a yelp and some drool/The Dachshund was done/And he crawled off to sleep in the hay/Just in time, as the masters and stud turned the corner/Setter stud sniffed the air/Did her, didn't care/How many months passed til one night in the city/the fat Setter bitch yelped and whelped/a wily-eyed, long-eared, stubby-legged litter/Making Master and Mistress/bemused and bitter...
credits
from Are You Committed,
released August 27, 2010
vonHummer: vocals, bass, drums
vonHummer is a Portland music/cable access legend whose career spanned from Fall of 2001 to Fall of 2011, during which he
recorded a hundred or so songs for use in his absurdist show (and feature film) and played only a handful of concerts. Currently retired, his work shines on for the ages. Or will he someday return...?...more
Long split up, but not forgotten. Some say the Winebirds functioned as an ersatz Fleetwood Mac, and that's more than fair, but to me, they functioned as a real-life Partridge Family. vonHummer
A collection of short stories set to music, the latest from Dave Perkins pairs evocative writing with rustic Americana arrangements. Bandcamp New & Notable Jun 17, 2023