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One Thousand Gateways

from Isoprolific by vonHummer

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"One Thousand Gateways" is a never-before-heard gem in this collection. An Ozzy/Tull sort of creature meant to be the theme song for a TV series premise I came up with. I die and find out that one doesn't go directly to Heaven, but instead to a kind of a limbo city like Las Vegas, bodies and bodily needs and pleasures still intact. This enormous city is built in a ring around Heaven, and according to legend, there are one thousand gateways big and small scattered throughout. Only one, however, leads directly into Heaven and eternal bliss. My character and some rag-tag allies (a fallen angel, a defector from Heaven or "mole,") a compass that goes wacky around nearby gateways, and a device called a crap detector that can detect lies. Each episode is the adventure of finding the portal and whatever weird scenario and characters, trying it out and failing. It may be the case that the one portal can change its appearance and distract seekers as the "cleaning supplies" closet door does in the last verse, using sleeping gas and strippers.

I never did get around to writing the show, much less producing it, but, hey, it's a song at least. Always meant to make a more full version of it, too. Never did. This'll do for now, I suppose.

lyrics

"One Thousand Gateways"
[vonHummer]

Black marble pillars, Ionic/ Covered with signs/ and lights electronic/ signified clearly the doorway to Heaven/ "In There,"/
I passed through a.../ down a hallway of trophies/ which led elsewhere…

White marble pillars, Corinthian/ with three-piece-suited leviathans/ trimming our resumes for some/ Saint Peter's inspection/
It led to a throne room/ where a porcelain portal read/ "Sealed for your protection"…

One thousand gateways/ surrounding Heaven/ All but one lead straight to despair/ Nine hundred and ninety nine go/ Nine hundred and ninety nine go/ Nine hundred and ninety nine go nowhere…

Might take an afterlifetime/ of Sunday mornings/ Several self-help books/ and Surgeons General warnings/ Might take a compass/ and a crap detector/ Some fallen angels and a mole/ or at least a defector/ from the city of eternal bliss…

Plain wooden door marked "Cleaning Supplies"/ About to check it when/ as if hypnotized/ I followed a buxom showgirl/ into Heaven's Pass/ and watched her dance in vain/ dazzle by the strobe lights/ and suckered by sleeping gas…

One thousand gateways/ surrounding Heaven/ All but one lead straight to despair/ Nine hundred and ninety nine go/ Nine hundred and ninety nine go/ Nine hundred and ninety nine go nowhere…

credits

from Isoprolific, released August 21, 2016
vonHummer: vocals and bass.

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vonHummer Portland, Oregon

vonHummer is a Portland music/cable access legend whose career spanned from Fall of 2001 to Fall of 2011, during which he recorded a hundred or so songs for use in his absurdist show (and feature film) and played only a handful of concerts. Currently retired, his work shines on for the ages. Or will he someday return...? ... more

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