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Flip a Bitch

from That Which Does Not Smash by vonHummer

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I feel like I've told the story of this song about a million times before, but as I can't find a written version to copy, I'll tell it once more. "Flip a Bitch" was the first song I wrote for Helvetica Bold.
Being secretly in love with her and married to someone else at the time, I kept it coded and under wraps for quite a while, until that day I could play it for her and…she hated it. Well, not "hated," actually. She thought it was boring.

It refers to a misty, grey October day driving around Seattle. She kept making wrong turns, and then having to—as she said in her Oregonian slang—"flip a bitch." I was along for the ride and thought her remarkably independent and self-possessed. Not at all an approval-seeker. Also, not interested in me romantically, or so I thought. So I'm hoping in the song that she'll pull a romantic U-turn and reconsider my affections.

There's a small interlude in the middle that was originally a bridge, which I discarded for being needlessly clever and unnecessary. In the closing interlude you can pick out riffs from other songs on the album (and songs found on "Leftoverwhelming.") First it's "Karmalita," then "Flying Buttress," and "New English Blues," last of all. In the original line up, I figured that would be the end of side one, to tie back thematically somehow to the other songs. Not that they actually do.

As I was picking out songs for the first season of the show—and hence this collection—it was likely pure stubbornness that had me pick "Flip a Bitch," for at the time, I considered Helvetica Bold to have a "golden ear" for hits, and since she considered this one boring, I'd otherwise resolved to leave it in the general rubble of my tape drawer. So nobody was more surprised than me a few months after the show started running to see hundreds of downloads of the mp3, far beyond any other downloads. From that, I regained a bit of my balance and never again considered her ear even electroplate.

lyrics

"Flip a Bitch" (vonHummer)

She won't roll down her window/ to ask directions/ There's no maps made/ for where she wants to go/ And is it just her style/ once in a while/

to flip a bitch?/ Switch direction/ Flip a bitch/ Re-write the rules of the road/ Flip a bitch/ Fuck that freeway to nowhere/ Nowhere's nowhere/ she wants to go…

And someday should you sit/ shotgun beside her/ disparage her driving/ and you'll walk home/ And is it such a crime/ time after time/

to flip a bitch?/ Switch direction/ Flip a bitch/ Re-write the rules of the road/ Flip a bitch/ Fuck that freeway to nowhere/ Nowhere's nowhere/ she wants to go...

She won't roll down her window/ to ask directions/ There's no maps made/ for where she wants to go/ And is it just her style/ once in a while/

to flip a bitch?/ Switch direction/ Flip a bitch/ Re-write the rules of the road/ Flip a bitch/ Fuck that freeway to nowhere/ Nowhere's nowhere/ she wants to go…

credits

from That Which Does Not Smash, released October 21, 2001
vonHummer: EVERYTHING

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vonHummer Portland, Oregon

vonHummer is a Portland music/cable access legend whose career spanned from Fall of 2001 to Fall of 2011, during which he recorded a hundred or so songs for use in his absurdist show (and feature film) and played only a handful of concerts. Currently retired, his work shines on for the ages. Or will he someday return...? ... more

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