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Cold Call

from Abbey Damned by vonHummer

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about

At one point in the late 80s, I dove heavily into the go-getter literature of success. Your Zig Zieglars, your Tony Robbins, and such. Got their tape series and listened in the car as I was a courier, driving all day. Eventually I found my way into sales and got exposed to even more success theory.

At some point, doing door-to-door cable sales back East (imagine ME knocking on your door looking desperate some night...?) I sat in the car and scribbled the lyrics to "Cold Call," trying to come to terms with my awful occupation.

The verses start off with actual sales advice, but by the end of the stanza, they collapse into my own insecure sarcasm ("...There's a rat in here/but don't act like you smell it...") I'd like to think this song brings some kind of comfort to those many, many people struggling in the world of sales and coming to grips with the supremely difficult skill of cold-calling. It might just depress them, however.

Had I stuck with the old arrangement of this song—very minor and harsh—it would certainly be a downer to the folk in the field selling. For some reason, though, I played around and gave it the happy-go-lucky tune it's now known by and I'm glad I did so. I have people tell me it's a favorite. Don't know if they were in sales. I wouldn't ask. Don't wanna pry. Or buy.

lyrics

"Cold Call"
(vonHummer)
Remember to walk in like you own the place and act as if you have an appointment, get the name of your mark beforehand, act proud to be a sales rep if you can,
And like a man with a mission, think on your commission, make no apologies and ask for no permission as you warm as you warm up to your cold call…
Remember to build up a relationship, believe you sell a valuable service, expect the best and prepare for the worst, shake off the chicken heart with which you’ve been cursed,
And let the steak sizzle sell it, show it, don’t you tell it, there’s a rat in here but don’t act like you smell it as you warm as you warm up to your cold call…
Expect the look in his eyes to say, “Oh no, not another one…” Visualize, make believe he’s your best friend, Take his objections, address them, restate them, and overturn ‘em every one, “He’s in a meeting and he can’t be disturbed…” Cold call business card end…
Remember, life is a long walk on a short pier, and after all we’re all in the dark, all things must pass, it’s all in vain, be grateful if you don’t sleep in the rain,
And like an unwanted orphan, you’ll be back for more fun, seek out a seminar or catch another course on how to warm up to your cold call...

credits

from Abbey Damned, released August 1, 2003
vonHummer: drums, bass, bass drone, high drone guitar, vocals.

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vonHummer Portland, Oregon

vonHummer is a Portland music/cable access legend whose career spanned from Fall of 2001 to Fall of 2011, during which he recorded a hundred or so songs for use in his absurdist show (and feature film) and played only a handful of concerts. Currently retired, his work shines on for the ages. Or will he someday return...? ... more

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